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Any how.

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Darkness falls

Just as the heat releases and the air gets still, the dark starts to settle in.  I really resist it. It makes me feel unsettled and a bit cheated when I first notice it gets quite dark  by 7, then 6, now 5. I wonder how I will ever find energy to live through the winter or even through the night.  And then it dawns on me, light a candle. Find a way. Let your eyes adjust to the dark.  

1 passenger

 It started last year. I did not think about it too much beforehand, however, I found myself on a solo overnight trip to my friend's beautiful place in Cape John. It was the right kind of trip in every way.  Being alone had so many great benefits. I pleased myself exclusively.  I went shopping in a second hand clothing store. I went swimming when I felt hot. I sat and stared at swaying grasses for as long I needed to. I ate cheese and crackers and the only time I cooked anything it was to make coffee. This year, I had a night by myself in a cute little trailer by a very still and shallow lake. I forgot that I had promised myself the year before to always have a vacation day/night by myself each year. I won't forget again.  

Do not google your emotions.

 Have you ever felt compelled to google mystery symptoms in the middle of the night? I have.  I know I am not alone.  What is this rash? Is this bug a bed bug?  Does this fever mean I am dying or just slightly ill? These questions loom large in the dark.  We are urged not to do this, that instead, we should ask a health professional (or accost one at a social event). "Nice to meet you, how are you with moles? Have I got one for you!" This is how I have been feeling about emotions lately.  Due to global reasons I do not need to mention, I have spent a lot of time apart from others. I still talk to my friends and family every day, but it is rare right now that we are actually in the same room doing stuff together.  I cling to those fleeting moments of closeness like no one's business and get nourished by them long after we have to go back to our respective cubby holes, but the constraints on those times are real. As a result, I am starting to realize that even emotions are

Surface tension

  My vocabulary was the first to go.  Simple words would escape me and I would end up searching around for them like I do for my glasses in the dark. I would come back with inadequate replacements.  I blamed zoom, I blamed stress.  What I never really considered was that maybe I was searching for words when there were none.   Next came the conversation.  It dried up.  I used to love winding endless discussions like a river with many tributaries, some mountain fed, some coming from deep within the forest.  On really exciting days, the rain fell and made the river overflow. However, the river bed's water evaporated. I think about conversations now fondly like I do of childhood pastimes.  I cannot seem to reach for anything more substantial than what I am eating. or seeing on the internet or of course the weather.  I am boring myself. These past several months have felt a bit like musical chairs. The music stopped and I was without a chair.   I knew there was something really differen

The words coming out of my mouth

  These days I wear a mask. I don't wear a mask all of the time, only when I am indoors or unavoidably up close with people who I don't usually interact with.  I wear one when I am ordering things, or buying things or attempting to enjoy some form of public entertainment.  I cannot rely on reading others lips. My lips are hidden. We ask each other to repeat.  We move our eyes or our whole heads to try and enunciate more clearly.  I say fewer words, more carefully chosen words behind the mask. Sometimes that is helpful, sometimes that just causes more confusion. I walked into the woods. I did not need a mask.  I only saw a few other people and they were distanced. Masks were unnecessary. After so much talking and not talking and avoiding talking out loud I am forced to examine when I speak and when I choose not to. This is not a bad thing since I can be an insufferable chatter box, just a new thing for my brain to adjust itself to. When I am not standing around in a mask, I am c

Different Stages of your ability.

“Your whole life you are really writing one book, which is an attempt to grasp the consciousness of your time and place– a single book written from different stages of your ability.” --Nadine Gordimer