As the first anniversary finally passed, I exhaled. The sadness still nibbled away at the edges, but not clawing deep into my chest like it had been with varying degrees of ferocity in the twelve months previously. She died in early summer, so I plunged into ocean and lakes and ate fruit straight from the plant. The grief became softer, the folk songs carried me along in the potato patch we planted in therapy.
But then, I started to miss her. The deep grief kept her so close and now as the pressure eased, so did her presence. I held my breath and decided to be really sad this morning just to see her face. To sit in her prescence. My breath became jagged as I cried for her, for us. This Taylor Swift cover by Marc Maron broke me right open this morning. Here's to staying broken open enough to keep your loved ones close.
And then, I walked into her garden. The garden she envisionied, planted over and over and still presides over. She talks to us, guides our decisions as we choose between picking or waiting. She blasted right through that pane of glass between her final days and this garden and is right here under the crumbly earth, tucked into the petal folds and deep down embedded in the apple seeds.
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