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Different Stages of your ability.

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Out on the line.

I have been so lucky in so many ways. I have only experienced tiny specks of physical and emotional pain in my life.Luckily that pain has been either episodic or limited and I have been able to manage it with drugs, or crying or writing or wine or chips....or something.This summer, a decade of holding my head the wrong way, typing, scrolling, stressing and driving all ganged up on my neck and said...we are holding you hostage until you address this.  However, when it first started, the pain didn't explain it just attacked. And attacked. No position relieved it. No drug touched it. It went on and on. I could not sleep. I could not hold a book or type. I drove with difficulty. Swimming in the ocean gave me enough pleasure that I temporarily forgot it.  I couldn't drink to forget it though or massage it enough. It just kept going.  I tackled the pain like I tackle everything, blindly and in a chaotically forceful way. This pain refused to be massaged away. It turns out this pain…

Daymare

As I slept, I dreamt that I found shelter inside a house.  I was "escaping" impending lightening. However, the lightening found me. It struck the house and I stood inside the house and watched the roof be lifted right off.  I stood there, not afraid, thinking, wow, I have never seen a house's roof come off while I stood inside it (or outside it for that matter).
I was strangely not terrified.  I was observing this fairly exciting event as a passive onlooker even though I stood in middle of that wrecked house. Mentally I knew that a roof being ripped off a house by bad weather is not good, but I did not feel stressed.
When I woke up, I was gripped by fear.  The residue of that dream and others that had already faded remained and kept me pinned to the sheets.
My subconscious is working overtime. It is patiently painting a picture for me in my dreams and gripping my heart when I am awake forcing me to remember seeing the sky through a roofless house.

The Naked Eye

It cannot be seen by the naked eye.  So, we have to trust the experts--the people who have devoted their careers to seeing these things for us.  This weather that approaches, the coming storm, the looming march of an invisible force bears down on us, they forecast for us.

There is something very scary about trusting that much.  We do it sometimes--when we fall in love, or meet our children.  Letting go of so much of what we know of ourselves takes a lot of..something.

As our lives change in ways we never quite imagined, even after watching all those movies about pandemics, we lean into our shelters.  Shelters that are not always safe for some of us and wait for the storm to pass.

Breakthrough

I had a breakthrough. The breakthrough had me. I broke. I let myself shatter.
I tried everything to protect myself from breakage. I created lots of padding around myself. I distanced myself from sharp objects. But all the while, the thawing continued. The breaking point came closer. The hairline fracture ruptured and two, three, four pieces fell away.
After the break, the heat of the sun. The sun I could not feel before. The warmth of my friends, my family reaching across the shards to gather me in their arms.

That gap

That gap, the one between you and I, between here and there, between now and then can seem so large. Centimetres can still cause missteps, broken ankles, misunderstandings. Centimetres add up to metres, to kilometres. Distances comes in so many lengths.

Shadow Boxing

Lately I've been conscious of all the fighting vocabulary I and many others use.

Fighting a cold, battling cancer, uphill battles...I reject the phrase "fighting cancer". It is just not a fair statement. It implies that there are winners and losers and blames the loser. 

I am also all too aware of all the conflicts I have within myself and between me and others.  I accept that conflict is natural. It is a part of life.  What is not natural is fighting the wrong thing.

Over the past few years, I've been living with more conflict than usual and it is only now that I understand I am not always fighting against the right thing. 

In fact, some fights just weakened me as I "pounded" away at what I thought my problem was. 

Fighting is not fun, but it is not necessarily useless.  Am I fighting a shadow? Am I hitting on doubt and thin air? Who is my enemy or is there even one?

Only pick a fair fight, and that includes any fights you have with yourself.