Skip to main content

somewhere

My daughter is growing up.  She is funny and caring and she loves to write.

Like many mother and daughters before us, our relationship is getting trickier.  Her job is to grow up and apart, my job is to help her doing that safely and steadily (isn't it?).  Those two job descriptions are, as you would expect, often at cross-purposes, or so it seems.

I have come to expect that a certain level of conflict in our relationship is inevitable and normal and to back off when I get too sucked into its undertow.  However, at times, I miss those easy days when she looked to me first for ideas, suggestions and merrily (usually) went along with them.

These days, she is exercising her birthright of controlling her own life by rolling her eyes at my harebrained schemes, feeble attempts at getting my children out of doors or socializing.

I miss the discussions most of all where we had time to talk, not just about video games, but about things she thought were interesting.

This holiday, I discovered a loop hole.  She loves to go for drives in the country and take pictures and just be alone together.  I tried to conceal my delight.  We often woke up earlier than the others and went for a little meander with our phones. We'd pick up coffee and hot chocolate and just drove to see where the road took us.

It was a relief to know that there are times when she wants to be alone with me. There are things we have in common. There is somewhere we can go,  come back to and be.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Keep telling yourself that.

We talk to ourselves everyday, all day (and night) for the whole of our lives. We started talking to ourselves before we knew we were a self, we forget what we said because we forget everything from before...when we were too young and busy developing our brain to remember those early years. There is still lingering residue of long forgotten conversations I have had with myself as a toddler sitting around in the crevices...sloughing off occasionally into words I tell myself still.   We talk non-stop, and not just with dialogue.  Our goosebumps communicate to us, our tingly feelings, our neurons, our peripheal vision.  They are all submitting data into our self and expecting us to react, respond or all to often, expecting what they are sending us will be ignored. After all that talking, you'd think we'd know what we think about most things, but occasionally we are stumped.  Unless we stop what we are doing and really concentrate sometimes that voice(s) ...

the words fell out

 Despite being an introvert, I do often process big life events (and many many small ones) out loud by verbally hashing out my thoughts with whoever will put up with me. But this morning when I woke up to the big red blotch on the U.S. map...all my /the words fell out.  They fell out unsaid, unformed. Got to work and probably , in another time, would have annoyed my co-workers, dominating the conversation with my verbal extrusions, but not today. I just mutely stared across at them and nodded. My dad came for lunch.  Normally, we relish a good political diatribe, especially when we feel sure of our perspective, but this time, all I could do was munch on fries and marvel at all the unarticulated thoughts that I was not even bothering to retrieve. The silence inside me was noticeable.  Social media was awash with reactions and I just looked away. I couldn't bear to read one word about it. I was not receptive to any reactions,  accusations, reflections,  words...

I entered August without you.

 I won't visit you this month.  You won't call. I will raid your garden and you won't get any of the vegetables. I will make plans without telling you about them. We'll go to the store and not buy you one single thing. Whole books will be read and I will not tell you which ones. I will watch movies and not inform you. The nasturiums will ripen. Last month was different. I changed my schedule and took time off work to be with you.   I dropped all kinds of plans for us to be together. You sent me messages, I received them. I picked up food that I thought you would like at the store and sent you pictures of every beautiful thing I saw. I sang with you. We watched the Great Canadian Baking Show. You chose the recipe for the garlic scape pesto and gave me instructions for making the gooseberry jam. I am in August without you. You are in July.