Seeing the almost invisible

"Some pig" Charlotte's Web, E.B. White

When I was about 10, my parents decided to hire someone to change the wallpaper in my room. One day when I came home from school, I discovered that most of the paper was stripped but the person doing the work drew my attention to one remaining shred of wallpaper still on the wall. In a dark corner behind the door, there was a small square of wallpaper upon which there was a tiny message. "This is my favourite room ever." It was signed by the little girl who had had the room before me. This hitherto invisible message briefly had light shone on it to be read. In return, I left a similar message for whoever came after me.

I don't know if it is just my eyes or the season or all the walking I've been doing lately but there are spider webs everywhere I look. I think perhaps I have just decided to see them. They are so hard to capture with a camera because they need a dark enough background and light hitting them just the right way to be visible. I have taken dozens of pictures of them in the past couple of months and only one looks like a picture of a spider web. I think this makes them extra special. Catching a glimpse of one shimmering ever so slightly in the morning light is much like uncovering an invisible message in a place that you have never thought to look.

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I entered August without you.

I won't visit you this month. You won't call. I will raid your garden and you won't get any of the vegetables. I will make plans without telling you about them. We'll go to the store and not buy you one single thing. Whole books will be read and I will not tell you which ones. I will watch movies and not inform you. The nasturiums will ripen. Last month was different. I changed my schedule and took time off work to be with you. I dropped all kinds of plans for us to be together. You sent me messages, I received them. I picked up food that I thought you would like at the store and sent you pictures of every beautiful thing I saw. I sang with you. We watched the Great Canadian Baking Show. You chose the recipe for the garlic scape pesto and gave me instructions for making the gooseberry jam. I am in August without you. You are in July.

Keep telling yourself that.

We talk to ourselves everyday, all day (and night) for the whole of our lives. We started talking to ourselves before we knew we were a self, we forget what we said because we forget everything from before...when we were too young and busy developing our brain to remember those early years. There is still lingering residue of long forgotten conversations I have had with myself as a toddler sitting around in the crevices...sloughing off occasionally into words I tell myself still. We talk non-stop, and not just with dialogue. Our goosebumps communicate to us, our tingly feelings, our neurons, our peripheal vision. They are all submitting data into our self and expecting us to react, respond or all to often, expecting what they are sending us will be ignored. After all that talking, you'd think we'd know what we think about most things, but occasionally we are stumped. Unless we stop what we are doing and really concentrate sometimes that voice(s) ...

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